Fatherless

Am I Fatherless?
  Or do I just wish I was..

You see,

My father has always been there
     But I don't think he really cared

I could see the rage behind his eyes
      As his fist flew directly towards mine

As his hands closed around my neck
     We both knew this wasn't about a lack of respect

His anger came in many ways
             In his bed is where I laid

Left out like a dirty rag on the floor
      I never felt wanted till I was summoned for more

You'd think by now I'd be disgusted by men
        But in reality I clung to the very existence of them

Please understand I just wanted to feel valued
      But in the end I was only given solitude

Then came the mental abuse
      The darkness, the depression, the jungle juice

Pills, razors, thoughts of death
     I just wanted to take my final breath
*
*
But he wasn't a bad father right?
      He put food on the table every night

School, clothes, and at times he showed me love
    He even taught me about the good Lord above
*
But...that was abuse in it's own way
         Cause now my view of God is swayed

Pastor told me about this heavenly father
       But the only example I had was a man who beat his own daughter

But I was desperate for affection
      I wanted the healing that spread like an infection

I ask God for a minute of his time
          I promised I'd give him all of mine

He told me that I was made uniquely
   A creation made after his own imagery

That His love for me was so perfect and pure
   And that I no longer had to be insecure

 So excuse these bruises that have never turned brown
     They're being healed by the one who wears a thorny crown

I'm proud to be a daughter
   Even with the pain from my earthly father

Cause there is healing and redemption
   When you come to know spiritual affection