Growing up I had to visit many different counselors and psychologists because of my parents divorce. Usually the sessions consisted of me sitting on a couch listening to the counselor telling me how I felt or watching my brother get angry. Every once in awhile I would have to answer questions or point to a chart of feelings so the counselor could actually tell what I was thinking or feeling at the time. I rarely ever talked, but I listened. I learned a lot, more than I should, more than any 4 to 11 year old should. Most of the sessions have become a blurred memory. They don't take much importance in my life anymore, except one. One session in particular has stuck in my mind since the day it happened.
I was around 9 or 10 at the time and shy as ever. I remember my brother was in the middle of talking about something he found important in his life and I was staring out the window looking at geese playing in the water, trying to let my mind wander to forget about the present moment. All of a sudden the counselor turned to me and said something along the lines of, "I think I have figured you out Celeste. You are a fly on the wall." It was the first time he had addressed me in the session and I was shocked. I didn't understand what he meant and all I could say was "what?" He went on to describe that basically I was like a fly on the wall. I was always there, watching and listening, but nobody really noticed me. It was true, I was a fly on the wall. I was shy and had amazing listening skills. Plus I was pretty tiny, still am. But a few years later I began to grow out of my shy stage. No, let me rephrase that, I was practically forced out of it. Having two older brothers who were chatter boxes didn't help, especially when I had something "important" to say at the dinner table. Also I was tired of not really having any friends, so I slowly transformed into a social butterfly and stopped sitting at the top of the staircase listening to my dad talk on the phone to his lawyer or to his friends about the troubles in his life and the "terrible" things my mother had done. Or sit next to my mom and step dads door after church listening to them yell at each other over something stupid and useless. Although I was changing, I never forget about being the fly on the wall and part of me still clung to that idea that I knew more than I should and that it was okay.
Now as I'm older, the meaning of being the fly on the wall has changed. I almost resent it. Because being the fly on the wall as a teenager/young adult means being the outcast, the other friend, that one girl. For a lot of my early teenage years I worked hard on making friends that actually cared about me as much as I cared about them, but I always failed, and fell into some pretty dark places. Though God eventually provided healing and a close group of friends of whom I know I will be connected to my entire life. Even now that I have people in my life who honestly care so much about me, they can easily still make me feel completely alone, like an outcast. Let me give you a few examples.
-The other night my friends and I were sitting in an empty room avoiding sleep. When one of my friends, like he does so often, asked each person a question to provoke thought. He asked, "What are you afraid of?" He went from person to person listening intently to their answers, but ended up skipping me. Although I'm sure he meant nothing of it, it really hurt. I made me feel unimportant, especially since him and I's friendship struggled this last winter.
-My two best friends have been each others best friends since they were small children. I came into the picture a little over a year ago.They have been through a lot together, they have made bonds that will take me years to lock into. It hurts. It hurts to know that they don't immediately think of me when they have something important to tell their best friend. It hurts that when we all hang together I'm often lost in the conversation because they live 10 minutes apart and spend practically every day with each other while I live three hours away. It hurts that one of them was going to take her boyfriend to a concert of my favorite band on my birthday.
-It hurts that when I share something I find extremely important in my life that my small group of friends they barely give an ounce of excitement, but are often found discussing and celebrating each others news all the time.
-Over the course of the last year I was extremely bullied in my public school and my depression and anxiety began shooting up to high levels. I began fighting another battle that I never thought I was going to have to fight again, and if I'm honestly with myself, I'm still fighting currently to this day. But when I called out to help, none of my friends came. Instead petty advice was given and small encouragements that really didn't comfort nor was truly meant to. But often my friends would drive in the middle of the night for no real reason to see each other. It hurt, and still does.
Now I'm not complaining or crying out for attention, I'm really not. I don't need to be the center of attention and I don't need a million friends, I'm happy with the four close ones I have. I know they don't intentionally mean to leave me out or make me feel unloved, but with some of their actions it's hard to feel anything but forgotten. I really struggle with the idea of being the fly on the wall at this point in my life. I often wrestle with God over this too, and if I'm going to be honest with you, it makes me question the heart of my friends and my own.
If I'm as really close to my friends as I hope I am, then why do I question their love for me? At the same time, why do they often pick each other over me, or in other words, why do they pick favorites in our friendship? Other questions I find myself asking are, If I'm really relying on God in both the hard and good times, then why do I go to my christian friends and family for help? Shouldn't I only want Gods care? Why do I always end up feeling more broken when I go to either God or my friends or both? If my friends are truly pursuing God and trying to build Godly relationships, why are they still ignoring the some of the ones struggling? If really believe that we only need God, then we shouldn't have to struggle with the idea of being alone in both the good and bad times. If we truly are trying to be Christ like then we shouldn't have to struggle with loving our neighbor or making them feel unwanted.
Like I said before, this is not a call for help or a cry for attention. This post is simply me trying to figure the thoughts in my head out. To be the person on the outside that I am on the inside. So people know that even thought I am fully in love with Christ and on the journey to becoming more like Him, that I still struggle with Him. The more I keep these thoughts in my head the more I can twist and turn them into even worse ideas than they actually are, so I'm getting them out. Do with them what you will. Until next time fam.
I was around 9 or 10 at the time and shy as ever. I remember my brother was in the middle of talking about something he found important in his life and I was staring out the window looking at geese playing in the water, trying to let my mind wander to forget about the present moment. All of a sudden the counselor turned to me and said something along the lines of, "I think I have figured you out Celeste. You are a fly on the wall." It was the first time he had addressed me in the session and I was shocked. I didn't understand what he meant and all I could say was "what?" He went on to describe that basically I was like a fly on the wall. I was always there, watching and listening, but nobody really noticed me. It was true, I was a fly on the wall. I was shy and had amazing listening skills. Plus I was pretty tiny, still am. But a few years later I began to grow out of my shy stage. No, let me rephrase that, I was practically forced out of it. Having two older brothers who were chatter boxes didn't help, especially when I had something "important" to say at the dinner table. Also I was tired of not really having any friends, so I slowly transformed into a social butterfly and stopped sitting at the top of the staircase listening to my dad talk on the phone to his lawyer or to his friends about the troubles in his life and the "terrible" things my mother had done. Or sit next to my mom and step dads door after church listening to them yell at each other over something stupid and useless. Although I was changing, I never forget about being the fly on the wall and part of me still clung to that idea that I knew more than I should and that it was okay.
Now as I'm older, the meaning of being the fly on the wall has changed. I almost resent it. Because being the fly on the wall as a teenager/young adult means being the outcast, the other friend, that one girl. For a lot of my early teenage years I worked hard on making friends that actually cared about me as much as I cared about them, but I always failed, and fell into some pretty dark places. Though God eventually provided healing and a close group of friends of whom I know I will be connected to my entire life. Even now that I have people in my life who honestly care so much about me, they can easily still make me feel completely alone, like an outcast. Let me give you a few examples.
-The other night my friends and I were sitting in an empty room avoiding sleep. When one of my friends, like he does so often, asked each person a question to provoke thought. He asked, "What are you afraid of?" He went from person to person listening intently to their answers, but ended up skipping me. Although I'm sure he meant nothing of it, it really hurt. I made me feel unimportant, especially since him and I's friendship struggled this last winter.
-My two best friends have been each others best friends since they were small children. I came into the picture a little over a year ago.They have been through a lot together, they have made bonds that will take me years to lock into. It hurts. It hurts to know that they don't immediately think of me when they have something important to tell their best friend. It hurts that when we all hang together I'm often lost in the conversation because they live 10 minutes apart and spend practically every day with each other while I live three hours away. It hurts that one of them was going to take her boyfriend to a concert of my favorite band on my birthday.
-It hurts that when I share something I find extremely important in my life that my small group of friends they barely give an ounce of excitement, but are often found discussing and celebrating each others news all the time.
-Over the course of the last year I was extremely bullied in my public school and my depression and anxiety began shooting up to high levels. I began fighting another battle that I never thought I was going to have to fight again, and if I'm honestly with myself, I'm still fighting currently to this day. But when I called out to help, none of my friends came. Instead petty advice was given and small encouragements that really didn't comfort nor was truly meant to. But often my friends would drive in the middle of the night for no real reason to see each other. It hurt, and still does.
Now I'm not complaining or crying out for attention, I'm really not. I don't need to be the center of attention and I don't need a million friends, I'm happy with the four close ones I have. I know they don't intentionally mean to leave me out or make me feel unloved, but with some of their actions it's hard to feel anything but forgotten. I really struggle with the idea of being the fly on the wall at this point in my life. I often wrestle with God over this too, and if I'm going to be honest with you, it makes me question the heart of my friends and my own.
If I'm as really close to my friends as I hope I am, then why do I question their love for me? At the same time, why do they often pick each other over me, or in other words, why do they pick favorites in our friendship? Other questions I find myself asking are, If I'm really relying on God in both the hard and good times, then why do I go to my christian friends and family for help? Shouldn't I only want Gods care? Why do I always end up feeling more broken when I go to either God or my friends or both? If my friends are truly pursuing God and trying to build Godly relationships, why are they still ignoring the some of the ones struggling? If really believe that we only need God, then we shouldn't have to struggle with the idea of being alone in both the good and bad times. If we truly are trying to be Christ like then we shouldn't have to struggle with loving our neighbor or making them feel unwanted.
Like I said before, this is not a call for help or a cry for attention. This post is simply me trying to figure the thoughts in my head out. To be the person on the outside that I am on the inside. So people know that even thought I am fully in love with Christ and on the journey to becoming more like Him, that I still struggle with Him. The more I keep these thoughts in my head the more I can twist and turn them into even worse ideas than they actually are, so I'm getting them out. Do with them what you will. Until next time fam.
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