In the Mind of the Bullied

 One thing about me that you might not have know is, when I journal about my life/thoughts/feelings, I often do it in the form of creative writing. Sometimes my writing is bizarre and unrealistic but somehow portrays exactly how I feel, and other times it's much more realistic. This week I wanted to share with you one of my journal entries I wrote a month ago. I think its more of a realistic written piece but still creative writing piece. I think this is an accurate representation of how people feel when they are bullied. I hope you enjoy.

12-17-14

I sit down at my desk, hoping I can make it though one more day. Hoping I’m invisible to them today. But wishes don’t come true. It starts with a glare and I immediately wonder what I have done within five minutes of the bell to provoke their anger and hatred toward me. Soon the glares turn into whispers and fingers pointing at me. My head starts buzzing with ill thoughts of them and myself. Their whispers form into giggles and laughs and soon they don’t even care I’m three feet away. Their words pierce me. Their eyes punch me leaving me breathless and inside I’m gasping for air. Everything is so loud, my head is spinning, and I feel like I’m going insane. Tears start forming in my eyes and soon I’m shaking. I hate them. I hate this place. I hate this world. I hate me. It’s so loud. Laughs, whispers, comments, thoughts, glares all fill my head. There is no longer a buzz, my head is now pounding. It’s so loud. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to break. Shatter into a million pieces. I’m falling apart piece-by-piece in front of the ones breaking me. They win. I’m so weak from blocking them out. I let them consume me like vultures finding fresh meat. They tear me apart, ripping me to shreds. I’m screaming, crying, wishing they would just kill me now. When they finally leave me, I'm barely alive. They leave me strong enough to heal, but they will attack again. 

I’m still sitting at my desk. My face is blank as if their words were never spoken. I staring a hole into my book. The teacher calls on me, and I answer as if nothing happened. 

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I can recall going through elementary school and even junior high, and sometimes even now, being asked this question by everyone and everywhere. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I remember when I dreamed of what now seem impossible things and my teachers would smile and nod their head as if what I said was practical. My questions are; what changed that thinking? What shifted our wildest dreams into practical outcomes?

When I was little I wanted to learn at least six different instruments. I remember trying to learn three different languages all on my own. I wanted to play all the sports; volleyball, ballet, be a cheerleader, track, wrestling, basketball, tennis…etc. I loved school. It fascinated me. Learning was fun. Science was beyond interesting. Learning about bugs, the earth, and the universe…it was like another world. Reading didn’t come easy at first but I never gave up. Although I was the last one to read in my class I quickly became the fastest reader and got the highest comprehension scores, but that didn’t matter to me. Getting lost in a story was all the fun. Math challenged me and I craved the addiction of becoming better. History made me want to travel the world. Learning was a magical and wonderful gift. But now I look around me, at all my peers, and all I hear is how done people are with school. Everyday someone mutters a complaint about teachers and homework and tests. I see the people who have given up completely and others who try so hard yet don’t succeed and it discourages them even more. School is no longer about learning. I used to love school. I used to be swept up into a magical new place every time I walked into a classroom. But now that feeling has disappeared. It’s crushed. That feeling has been stomped down so deep inside I can’t even begin to remember what it is like to love school. Since my junior high years I have been counting down the days, hours, and seconds till I graduate. I used to have so many dreams, and ambitions, and an amazing was of look at life. I long for that feeling again. I crave it. I dreamed about being a movie star, going to the moon, having the best time of my life. Now I dream of jobs so I can afford food, trying to become educated in politics, paperwork, bills...etc. I no longer have my ambitions because school told me they couldn’t be done. I wish I could be like my younger self when I grow up, because what a better thing to be, than a little kid.